| Written by Jeremy Bouris, LPCC “I need drama in my life to keep making music.” -Marshall Mathers III Drama is to humans, what swimming is to fish, or flying is to birds. It’s so common it feels natural, but everyone knows how unnaturally toxic drama can be. Drama looks innocent enough: whispering, secrets, side-eye and eye rolls, but drama is tiring and destructive, and as we all know it escalates. So, whether you’re hearing the drama, making the drama, or hating the drama, this article will give you 5 steps to break out of the drama triangle. 1. Understand the Drama Dance In the late 1960’s psychiatrist Stephen Karpman coined the term “Drama Triangle” to help people understand how drama starts and perpetuates. The illustration is that of a triangle, with each corner representing three distinct yet interdependent roles: – Persecutor (Criticizes/blames/aggresses/or uses anger to feel in control and avoid vulnerability) – Victim (Acts Oppressed/Powerless/or helpless to manipulate and feel vindicated and avoid responsibility) – Rescuer (Saves, rescues, or protects often without solicitation to feel important and avoid their own problems) **Often within a drama triangle roles can shift more than once Notice how all of us within our preferred role have an underlying feeling and motivation within our behavior (although often we are unaware of it). Which leads us to the second step of breaking out of the drama: 2. Know Your Role in the Drama There is a great saying: “An ounce of reflection is worth a pound of learning.” Asking the question “What’s my go to role in the drama triangle?” will bring you into self-awareness. Are you more prone to rescue your co-worker or blame them? Are you always finding yourself as the victim at work or in relationships? Asking these kinds of questions can guide you to where you’ll need to grow to break out of the drama. Counseling can be a huge help here if you find a significant pattern throughout your life. 3. Slow Your Role in the Drama (Pun intended) Drama is fueled by quick knee jerk reactions. The faster the reactions the more intense the drama. If we are going to break out of the drama triangle we need to buy ourself some more time. So once you identify your go to role work to resist the instant impulse to rescue, criticize or be offended. Taking a deep breath, or going for a walk, or just staying silent can all be EXCELLENT steps when you feel the drama building in the room. 4. Choose your New Role Once you know your typical role in the drama triangle you can begin to decide which role you’d like to play instead. Often this means transforming the drama role into a healing role: – Persecutors move from anger to assertive challenge without contempt, with the belief that they people can change over time with consistency and patience. Calm challenge from a kind space is an incredibly powerful thing. – Victims move from passive or helpless to more activated roles, becoming self-starters, that work to solve the problem directly with the critical party, avoiding the desire to invite a rescuer into the triangle to bail them out. Knowing you’re in control of your own life/emotions/choices is often very liberating to someone breaking free of a victim mindset. – Rescuers move from enabling or defending roles into encouraging coaches, who inspire would-be victims to take ownership and solve their problem directly with the potential persecutors, empowering victim types to own their story and their future with more confidence. 5. Prayerfully Practice Your Role Lastly, be patient with yourself and prayerfully ask God which relationships might be the right ones to begin shifting your role. If you’re a persecutor type, you might need to learn how to be kind with your boundary setting, and you’ll need to pray about the right wording and tone to use. If you’re more of a victim type, you might pray for wisdom about which relationship you can become more of a problem solver than you have been before. If you’re a rescuing type, pray for eyes to see the subtle invitation to rescue and ask Him to take the job of rescuer back from you. Remember that God always gives more grace, so wherever we need more grace to stop the drama we can ask in faith and he will deliver. |
Read
The Five Dysfunctions of a Team by Patrick Lencioni
Listen
How to Succeed at the Drama Triangle with Danny Wood
Watch
How to Recognize When You’re in the Drama Triangle
Jeremy Bouris
Staff Therapist & Director
Jeremy has been on staff at Bayside since 2020 and his graduate education was completed at Covenant Seminary in both Counseling and Divinity. He has extensive experience working with couples and individuals; specializing in sexual addiction, trauma, and spiritual abuse.