Talking to Your Kids (and yourself) about the trauma of evil.
| Written by Jeremy Bouris, LPCC As believers in a loving God, it can be hard to know how to answer the questions our kids ask when evil strikes. Whether it’s a school shooting, a televised assassination, or a deadly flood, children are seeing, hearing, or experiencing evil regularly. When our kids encounter these overwhelming events, their minds are unable to process the evil. Those experiences are best described as traumas; in so far as, trauma is the process of being overwhelmed by something that is experienced, as simultaneously unbearable and inexplicable. When children encounter traumatic evil and compare that with what they are told about God and his love it often leads them to ask: “Why would God allow _____ to happen?” Here are four reflections for you to consider as you encounter this question with the children in your life: Honor their Invitation When any child makes themselves vulnerable enough to share their deepest feelings and doubts you have just been invited as the “Guest of Honor” into to their heart. Imagine for a moment getting invited into a dinner at the Royal Palace or backstage to a Broadway Show. You aren’t going to burst in shouting and spouting off. No, you’re going to walk into the space with awe, slight trepidation and delight. There is a beauty in a child’s heart, and when a child lets you in, honor the invitation and the dignity of what’s there by thanking them for letting you in. Validate the Question Maybe you remember a time before you were numb to the traumatic evil of this world. You might even remember asking “Why would God _____?” to a trusted adult or spiritual figure in your life. For many, that individual attempted to give you an answer before honoring the question and the emotion of the question. It’s vitally important to tell our children that the question they are asking is one of the most important questions anyone can ask, and it has been asked by faithful God seekers for thousands of years. We need to praise our kids for being faithful to God by asking their hardest questions to him. Embrace the Mystery One of the best answers to give a child asking, “Why did God let this Happen” is: “I don’t know.” That can be one of the hardest things for a parent to say to a child. However, nobody fully knows why God allows evil and trauma to be persist. That doesn’t mean there won’t be some truths to bring into the conversation, but it’s best if we don’t try to assume that a portion of truth answers all of our kids questions. Tell a Story Stories are more powerful than “answers” because stories go inside our heart in ways that thoughts can’t. There are countless stories in the scripture and in your own life to draw upon that will resonate with your child’s own processing of the evil they are taking in. One of the stories that illustrate God’s patient heart towards our suffering is in John 11 when Jesus is slow to respond to one of his dearest friend Lazarus as he is dying and then dies. In that story Lazarus’ sisters explicitly ask Jesus why he let this happen to their brother. Jesus’ response is profound. First his response is specifically tailored to Mary and Martha (we each need different parts of the answer first), it involved presence, stories, truth, anger at death, weeping, and amazingly the undoing of the death through his resurrection of Lazarus. Unsurprisingly, the story of Lazarus and Jesus’ response is a great teacher for us as it deals with Mary and Martha’s confusion and doubt, since Jesus’ response offers truth, deep anger, empathetic and powerful grief, as well as powerful hope for future redemption when evil will be undone forever. Jesus’ tears remind us that crying with our kids about their pain is a perfectly appropriate response. Ask the Question Back Lastly, one of the best responses to a child’s question of “Why God would allow _____?” is to ask your child what they think the answer is. You probably won’t be shocked to hear that a child’s heart can often answer with profound insight. I pray you have the privilege of being with the children in your life as they ask this incredibly honest and important question. |
Read
A Paintbrush for Joni: The True Story of Joni Eareckson Tada
Listen
Jesus as King: God’s Ultimate Plan | Timothy Keller
Watch
The Terrible Truth: Suffering is Not for Nothing with Elizabeth Elliot
Jeremy Bouris
Staff Therapist & Director
Jeremy has been on staff at Bayside since 2020 and his graduate education was completed at Covenant Seminary in both Counseling and Divinity. He has extensive experience working with couples and individuals; specializing in sexual addiction, trauma, and spiritual abuse.