| Written by Jeremy Bouris, LPCC “Contrary to popular wisdom and behavior, conflict is not a bad thing for a team. In fact, the fear of conflict is almost always a sign of problems.” – Patrick Lencioni Conflict is to marriage as peanut butter is to jelly. The two go together, BUT few of us enjoy conflict like we might a PB&J (or if you’re like me, PB & honey). However, what many couples don’t understand when they first enter marriage is that conflict is not only normal but its neutral. Conflict alone isn’t good or bad, it just is. However, as many of us know, the results of conflict are not neutral, since conflict can either produce a deeper more intimate connection, or corrode and corrupt the little connection you have left. One helpful tool early in your marriage journey is the skill of learning your conflict “language.” Just like the now well-known love “languages” (gifts, acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, and touch) described by Gary Chapman, a conflict language is the way that you feel most comfortable when you are confronting competing desires in your new (or old) relationship. The four languages of conflict are well described by in Kimberly and Joel Walton’s book Words to Love By where they illustrate the conflict languages through an image of the four corners of a box (or if it helps you, imagine a boxing ring). Each corner of the “box” represents a different conflict style or “language” that they are most comfortable with, and just like the love languages, we all can speak all the languages, but we typically have a corner of the ring that feels safest. Let’s take a look at the four conflict languages: Corner #1 is the “Villain Corner.” The villain or the aggressor corner is the more assertive/critical partner, who often (or always) believes their perspective is right. They may use anger, or criticism to control in conflict, and conflict is often treated as a “zero sum game” with clear winners and losers. Corner #2 is the “Avoider Corner.” The avoider corner is the partner who resembles a turtle when it comes to conflict. They go in their shell and don’t come out. They might sweep it under the rug, work late nights, or rarely share anything that’s not positive about the relationship. Corner #3 is the “Victim Corner.” The language of conflict for the victim is “you hurt me” and nothing else seems to matter. The victim often postures themself as the one who’s been hurt, and therefore unwilling to look at the problem from a broader perspective or own their part of the conflict dance they’re in. Corner #4 is the “Pleaser Corner.” The conflict language of the pleaser is overly accommodating, which, on the surface can seem helpful; however, it often leads to in authentic and power imbalances in the relationship. Often the pleaser is all grace and no truth, and often problems not only go unaddressed they perpetuate. Now the point of learning your conflict languages early in marriage is not to beat your partner up with how bad their corner stinks. No, the point is that so you can avoid your corner when the bell rings, and conflict begins. If you know which corner you tend to be drawn to in conflict, you’ll be able to counterbalance with the positive elements of each of the other languages. For instance, the villain corner is an overuse of the healthy conflict skill of assertiveness, likewise the avoider corner is an overuse of healthy boundaries, the victim corner is an overuse of the skill of vulnerability, and the pleaser is an overuse of the skill of kindness. To have healthy conflict, you must leave your favorite conflict corner of the box and bring all four healthy conflict skills to the center of the fight. Namely, assertiveness, boundaries, vulnerability, and kindness. When these things are brought into the invetible conflict in your new marriage, we begin the journey on the right path to making our marriage a place where conflict is connecting and not corroding. |
Read
Words to Love By: Elemental Building Blocks of a “Wildly Successful Marriage” by Kimberly & Joel Walton
Listen
Even Healthy Couples Fight–The Difference is How TED Talk by Julie and John Gottman
Watch
Rediscovering Emotional Connection with Milan and Kay Yerkovich by Focus on the Family
Jeremy Bouris
Staff Therapist & Director
Jeremy has been on staff at Bayside since 2020 and his graduate education was completed at Covenant Seminary in both Counseling and Divinity. He has extensive experience working with couples and individuals; specializing in sexual addiction, trauma, and spiritual abuse.